I was so excited for this year; on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons I have 3 kids in school and 1 napping - this is a golden schedule. But I feel a little lost. I am not pregnant or nursing, so I don't have an excuse to nap anymore, but a whole day at home can be a little blah. Housework is rather uninspiring and I am not overly motivated. Maybe it's a transition period and in a bit more time I'll get in the swing of things, but I don't want to leave it at that. I want to use this as a learning process. Most of the time I am busy as I tend to take on extra projects and activities throughout the year. I tend to get anxious and overwhelmed. I am not anxious or overwhelmed right now. I think I feel God telling me that it's ok to not be busy. That I am not useless when my to do list isn't full. There is a season for everything, and I'm sure this slow season won't last. In fact if I was smart I would be right on top of my house projects and odd jobs that I won't have time for later. But, I don't think that's the point. I need to learn to slow down, to "Be still and know.."
I still have 2 or 3 little ones at home most days. I just think that they are generally good at playing on their own and my cleaning standards have dropped over the years, so I don't feel like I need to entertain them or be picking up every out of place thing. I have always struggled to find balance and now I am in a position to enjoy the balance. I know that I am where I am supposed to be, "my mission field at the kitchen counter" (taken from Grace Laced). I am not going to rush out and get a job or volunteer for everything that comes my way, cause then I'm back to the anxious, overwhelmed and certainly not balanced.
My kids are young and need me and will continue to need me when they leave and come home from school, to tell someone their successes and failures, to cheer them on and to cry with them. I want to be that Mom that is home when the kids are. But I also have the desire to feel useful, and some days when the only thing on my to do list is "do something with a giant zucchini", it's hard to see the significance of that. But I know that there is only one to whom I am accountable for my time, and that's not my husband (he, by the way, never demands on me or asks for an account of my time). God is my boss and if my heart is right with Him, then I will see the importance of my task.
Now there is a basket of laundry to fold, kids to be picked up from school and dinner to start - there is still busy, but in my perspective it's a manageable busy. If I really think about it, there are a number of ways I can fill my time to justify what I do with my day, but I think the key here is to be still, to rest, to wait and to know...God is in control, he has a plan and I have a purpose.
With a Barrel and a Heap of Balance,
Post Script - It is the day after I wrote this; I am glad I sorted through these thoughts and took the time to write them down as I know I will go through this stage again. Life has a way of repeating itself in "seasons" or "cycles" and it is good to remember, learn and grow. I have had a good couple of days, I feel at peace in my mind and heart. I've gone for a walk 2 evenings in a row and listened to a sermon, it was so freeing and energizing. I got the house cleaned today but didn't get too worked up or crazy about it. Took some time to pray and read the Bible today. In going through my Bible I found a devotion my Mother-in-law had printed out for me shortly after we were married and it was so timely (love when God works like that). I just want to quote a couple of lines which relate to me right now...
"The main end of life is not to do, but to become." F.B. Meyer
"Our days are wasted, or so it appears. We feel as if we are doing nothing of lasting significance. But God is doing what matters - we are being refined. He is placing us into a crucible in which we acquire patience, meekness, humility, compassion, and the other "quiet" virtues our souls naturally lack. So don't be afraid and don't fret." David Roper
My Family from WiddlyTinks.com